an amazing friend once told me…

I dream about leaving behind a legacy where I was famous, or I changed the world fantastically, but in the end, as long as I know that I never settled, that I kept looking for the best there was, looking for something new, then I guess my life would have been well spent.

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and this awkward kiss that screams of other people’s lips will be of service to giving you away…

Sundays are always rough.

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no matter what you do don’t ever compromise what you believe.

growing up is strange isnt it?

its such a dramatic process, yet slow, painful, and nearly impossible to detect.
i mean, we all have those moments when we realize that we are growing up right then and there.

i still remember the first person that ever made fun of me for the way i look. he was a third grader and i was a lowly kindergartener. ill never forget that. nor the other times that i have experienced overt racism.

i grew up, perhaps the most, when my dad passed away. as i stood next to my family, shaking the hands of people who just kept saying that they were sorry….my vision was blurred and one face became like the one before it. but it wasnt until i stood up to give my fathers eulogy that i fully realized that life was never going to be the same again. and while we walked down at aisle behind that casket, i knew. i knew i was an adult. because i had to be. as they lowered his body into the ground and my childhood was swept before my eyes, i knew that after it was all over, i wouldnt be the same person.

i remember the first time i was sexually assaulted. and every minute detail of the ones there after. i remember looking down on myself from the ceiling…like i was separate from the world around me. like i had no idea who i was anymore.

and then there were those times when you think to yourself, how did i become this? this is exactly who i said i would NEVER be. and here i am. this person.

but you always seem to find your way back. slowly. it seems like it will all never end and then eventually you realize that you are growing out of it. the memories stay there with you….like a distant 8mm…but the real life horror of it all seems to melt away.

people come and go. both physically and mentally. but ive found that the people that come along start to slowly fill those hearts in your soul. like the waves, washing upon the sand. you leave your footprints. and you remember the way the sand felt under your feet and the wind in your hair. but when you look back….they are gone.

im happy right now. despite all that shit that i have live through…it all seems worth it now. and worth what?

a shot. a shot at actually being really happy.
a shot with friends and a boyfriend that really really love me and cherish me for who i am. not what they want me to be.
a shot at a new life. with a fresh start.

a shot at really being me.

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patron saints are we all lost like you?

…the night was young and so we’re we…

its clearly time to start writing again. my mind never stops moving as the world around me spins out of control. every aspect of my life seems to have some really fucked up twist to it. black and white. ying and yang. everything has a great side….everything has a dark secret.

i cant say i mind. well, i take that back. if i could change the chaos i would.

i see the world around me and i cant help but think about how unfair it is. not just for myself, but for so many others. everyone has their own battle to fight, but doesnt it seem like the best people get dealt the worst hand? maybe thats what makes them the best. the resiliency. the strength. maybe the extreme lows, make for the best highs that life can offer.

i can only hope.

hope. something i try and hang onto each and every day.

– j

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